Sometimes you write a sermon that in hindsight should have only been a blog, or a blog that in hindsight would have been said better within the confines of a tweet. When you put a lot of thought and words out into the world on a regular basis, there is the inevitability that you wish you could have some of them back. But then sometimes the opposite can be true as well. On May the 6th I posted a thread to my Twitter account that I think merits sharing here as well. It has been an encouragement to many since it was posted (if I am to judge by the feedback it has garnered) and so I’m sharing it today on the blog in the hopes that it will be an encouragement to you as well. Ten days later, the sentiment and feeling still holds true.
“A thread: I’m sure that everyone can relate—but nothing for me has felt normal since the beginning of the pandemic. When COVID started I was in the middle of a sabbatical and so I was already out of routine and lacking a sense of normalcy. And then COVID happened, and I was ripped away from my carefully crafted plans and into a church situation that I didn’t recognize and didn’t know how to do. Every pastor I’ve spoken to over the last year can resonate with that last part. But nevertheless, we have all learned how to make the best of this ongoing shift in ministry paradigm. We have learned new skills, mastered new technologies, found creative new ways to stay connected with our people and have had to come to terms with some of our own weaknesses, fears, insecurities, and deficiencies along the way. Now, 14 months later most of us have at least become competent in doing what is needed to serve and shepherd a congregation in the age of COVID. But as every other pastor can attest to, nothing quite feels right about this season either. There are many reasons for this of course, and each person will feel it in a unique way based upon who they are and how they have learned to function.
For me, the most pronounced expression of that “not-right-ness” has been my inability to plan ahead. Pre-COVID I was the pastor that all of my colleagues playfully mocked for working very far ahead. I would have full-text sermons crafted an average of 3-weeks ahead of preaching I would have my annual report finalized before people finished the New Year’s countdown, and I would know what I was preaching every Sunday for the next 8-12 months on average with texts selected and often outlines written.
I’ve been working week-to-week, message-to-message, with little capacity to see beyond my immediate future. For some who choose to work this way naturally that would be no big deal, but for me it was a painful weekly reminder that things are not as they should be.
It has been demoralizing, and it has fed the negative self-talk that I have struggled with about whether I’m cut out for this calling anymore. I have never quite felt prepared, I have not felt that I have been able to give my best, and I have felt like I was failing. But over the last 10 days or so things seem to be changing. I have had one of the most productive periods of creative work that I have experienced in well over a year. I am on the cusp of finishing my third sermon this week and they all feel like messages I can be proud of. I’m starting to feel like I’m getting traction in my planning and am actually working on some larger long-term initiatives that will help both me and the church be more resilient for whatever comes next.
I don’t want over-celebrate early victories, but for the first time in a long time I feel like me. And I thought today that perhaps that was a good story that needed sharing. May you also be blessed today with a chance to feel like you.”
Hang in there folks. We’re almost through this.
May you feel like yourself again soon.